The Car Ride Home

In the truck, on the 45 minute drive home from his baseball game. as part of our conversation, Michael told me that he had some maturing to do. I just about sprayed the water I had just sipped all over the dash. 

Playing it cool, I just grinned and said, "Ya, I've noticed." He proceeded to share the changes he is working on making. It's these moments I miss the most now that he is living mostly at his dads. He chose to do so as a result of not wanting to follow a major rule in my house. No matter how much my heart hurts, I know I have to follow through. He will learn from this experience and hopefully come around someday. I knew I would be an empty nester some day but I never expected it like this.

Time

Taking the time to be intentional about my writing during this challenge has been extremely difficult. I find that I am waiting until the last hour and there's not much left in the tank at that time of the night. If I try at other times during the day, it is to "get it done". I don' t want this to be about getting it done. I would like to have time without all the noise. I guess it's up to me to make that time.

Floating Away the Aches and Pains

 

Once a week I float in a tub full of epson salt saturated water. I look forward to the next session before I finish the one I'm in. You can float for an hour with music and ambient lighting or without. I choose to float in complete silence and darkness and love floating in a starless universe.  The first time I tried it, I didn't last the whole hour. I started to feel overheated, nauseous and claustrophobic.

Today was the first time I made it. I was able to relax and meditate the entire time. When communicating with my 17 year-old son, I can get anxious and elevated when he starts to argue. He does this to avoid following through with his responsibilities and at times it will wear me down and I give up. I noticed this evening I was able to stay calm and hold him accountable in a firm but relaxed manner. I know it is because of the float. 

It changes me. I make it through the week with more patience and less anxiety. I am grateful for a natural way to stay calm in a stressful world.

Over a Year Ago

 

There is one roll of toilet paper left in the house and the roll is running low. I think the last time this happened was over a year ago. 

Over a year ago

I traveled 

I didn't wear a mask "ever"

The only safety precautions we had at school were - 

to wash our hands and sneeze in the crook of our arms

I hugged and accepted hugs from everybody

I saw my mom

We didn't have to worry about being around others -

to get them sick or to get sick

Schools functioned in a total different way

Kids weren't isolated

There was less fear in the world

Do I Want Life or Do I Want Death?

 

What a high energy day today! I haven't felt this way in a long time. I recently changed my diet by eliminating most "white" foods that have an adverse effect on my body - white rice, white bread, white pasta, white potatoes and anything with lots of white sugar. Today is day 6 and I am so proud of myself for getting this far. I just need to keep reminding myself that I want to feel good more than I want the food. I also need to make sure that I have healthy snacks on hand so that I don't use that as an excuse to make poor choices.

Almost all of my thoughts and actions are food driven. Every time I'm in the car, depending on where I am going, I start planning where I can pick up something to eat. I am not sure when it began but needs to end so I can save my health in turn saving lots of money. Every decision I make in regards to food needs to be met with "Do I want life or do I want death?" It is that serious. 

Today I choose life. I choose to feel good. I choose to love and take care of myself. At times, I see the reflection of myself right now and at moments feel uncomfortable in my clothes and say to myself, "If you don't like it, change it." I am choosing to change it. I hope tomorrow I feel the same.

Brrrrr

 

I live in a 100 year-old farm house that is not insulated and is without a centeral heating and air system.  It is pouring outside tonight and I am really cold - so cold that I am bundled in layers of clothing under a pile of blankets so heavy I can barely move. I considered starting a fire in the little pot-bellied stove in the living room but by the time I came home to when the house would actually warm up, meant that I would be up every couple of hours to keep it going. I am waving the white flag and heading off to sleep. I know I will sleep well but I hope my nose doesn't fall off. 

three for me

 

the sun shines

naps are awesome

cats are cool

dogs are fun

middle schoolers rock

work feels good

wealth is abundant

boys are living

grateful for home

truck is running

bills are paid

food in fridge

spirit is close

friends are kind

giving away weight

wisdom is awesome

bed is comfortable 

living good life

Play Ball!

 

My son found out he made the varsity baseball team today. I am so excited and as I celebrate with him he says "Stop it mom! That's embarrassing." I get it so I stop and beam quietly instead. I think I also cried a little. He has been playing baseball since he was three years old. He also plays football and excels at both but I believe baseball is his favorite. If not his, then mine for sure. The thing is, he didn't make the team last year. Out of all the guys who tried out, he was one of two cuts. 

He was blind-sided and devastated. He was shocked and embarassed. He was confused and angry. But, he never gave up. He participated in what he could and showed the varsity coach that not only can he play, he cared.  I am so proud of his perseverance and that it showed him it pays off to work for something you love.

I am so ready to dust off my chair, sit in the beautiful sunshine and watch him play.

For the Birds

 

It's been a year since I started being interested in watching birds. I don't know how I've come to be just like all the older women in my family. I am an animal lover and enjoy all kinds of creatures but there is something about birds, from majestic hawks to cute little finches and glorious hummingbirds, that I just can't resist. I've even condsidered buying a bird feeder and a birdbath. For a hot minute, I debated asking my landlord if I could purchase a hen house to raise some chickens. I am truly puzzled. What is happening to me?

Sleepy Sunday

Putting on pajamas and snuggling under the covers sounds like such an amazing idea right now. The problem is it's only 4 in the afternoon. The sky is overcast and the foliage is dancing in the wind. The house is just chilly enough to require a a pair of socks and a blanket to cover up while sitting on the couch. Everytime the kitty yawns, I yawn with him. 

I've cleaned the kitchen and bathroom as well as put away some laundry. My son is home and I am so grateful for the time together. It makes it even sweeter that he reached out and asked to come home to see me. It's been heavy on my heart while he has been solely at his dad's but I know that is what is needed at this time. Seventeen is hard. I am a mom and at his age, do not have what he needs from a dad. I am grateful he has his dad in his life. 

Night

The frogs are chirping outside my bedroom window and it sounds as if that's the noise stars would make twinkling in the sky. There are hundreds of them singing their nightsongs. I can see the moon shining through my window and it is lovely to look at while I wait to doze off to sleep. The train will sound its warning in the early morning hours and the coyotes start yipping along with it. Then my cat starts racing about the house as if possessed while some critter is lurking close to the house. I duck under the covers to avoid his claws at three in the morning.