Day 31

 

In 31 days I have learned...

I use "I" too much in my writing. I've also learned that if you want to have interesting things to write about, you must get out there and do interesting things. Rushed writing is challenging.

My thoughts are mostly about my children and what they are going through right now, the emotional struggle I am having with them getting older, and how do I parent them in the phase of life they are in. 

The writers who share slices have taught me so much in which I am terribly grateful. This is the first time in a long time that I have committed to and done something for 31 days in a row. There are so many things to learn and in so many ways to grow and I hope someday I will be a good writer. 

I am a better teacher by having more experience to share with my students.

Thank you "Slice of Life" for all of your work. Thank you,my two mentors, who commented on every post.

Not a Little Boy Anymore

 

windy baseball day

he is always on the bench

supportive you must

want to ask questions

about what is happening

in his swirling mind

I wish I could scoop

him up and tell him it's go

ing to be ok

Sunsets and Cold Pillows

 

There are so many things to be grateful for - 

Driving home into the sunset 

after spending a few hours visiting with friends 

out in the beautiful weather 

watching baseball

Having a house 

to come home to 

with electricity and hot running water 

to wash and prepare food to eat.

A son who opens up 

and shares suprising things 

in suprising ways

My cat

even though he bats at my feet

when I am half awake

in the early hours

of the morning

A really cozy bed

with a ton of pillows

so I always have a cold one

whenever I want

I Dodged a Bullet

 

Do you know there are people in this world who only eat when they are hungry? And that they only eat foods that are healthy for their body? And when they do eat a treat, it's a suitable portion instead of the whole freaking thing?!? Why am I not one of those people? Why doesn't my brain work like that?

I LOVE food but if I never had to eat in order to survive, I wouldn't put a bite in my mouth. I don't know who out there is going to understand this but it is true. If I don't ever have to start, stopping wouldn't be a problem. 

You know those famous chocolate peanut butter eggs that come out every Easter  - they come in a pack of six. Well, everyone knows how much I love them and I keep getting them as gifts. This year I am choosing not to eat any because I know that if I attempt at opening a package for just one, I can't guarantee that I won't eat half the package in one sitting. 

When I went in the house after work on Friday, I left all the sweet treats I got as gifts, in a plastic bag in the truck and the warmth of the sun melted everything into one gooey mess. I guess this is one problem solved.

A Baby Calf

 

Traveling the back roads home, you will see all kinds of farm animals - horses, cows, alpacas, pigs, donkeys, a variety of goats, ducks, swans, and geese. Sometimes I drive this route a few times a day and today was one of them. 

The first time I passed the large field of cows, I noticed one close to the fence near the road while the rest of the herd was further out. It looked like it was not doing well. I don't know exactly what was wrong but its back was somewhat arched, head facing straight ahead and eyes glossy. It was only for a few seconds that I focused on the bovine but you could tell something was off.

A few hours later, when I passed the spot again, there was the same cow with her newborn calf. I did a double take and almost stopped but there was another car behind me. What a sight!

Enjoying a Break

 

What I am excited for during Spring Break is sleep. Ah that feels so boring and lame but I can't help it. Snoozing in bed until my body is ready to get up is blissful.

 My son has baseball games Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, so sitting out in the sunshine will be wonderful as well.

After that, I think I might rent a car, pack a bag and hit the road for a couple of days. Not sure what direction I'll head yet but the Grand Canyon has always been a place I'd like to experience. 

Maybe I'll go to the movies.

Or drive up to Tahoe and walk on the beach.

Read lots of books

Do some extended writing.

Knit a blanket for my niece.

Just be in the moment.

Listen

Listen more and talk less. People who are struggling want/need to be listened to and heard, your input not necessary. Working on being present when listening is a challenge at times - especially when you're in your head trying to figure out what you can say in response - even though they are not even finished speaking yet. There is freedom in being present. Worry doesn't exist in the present, neither does regret.  

Work

 

I love to work with and along side people who also love to work. Right now working with students is a gift. They love to read and write and converse. They are an inspiration each day that they show up to try everything I ask of them, no matter how hard or scary it feels. I wish the other teachers on either side of me also wanted to work. What is happening in the world is affecting people in all kinds of ways and I am working hard at being understanding of where they are at. The struggle is real. And so is the lonliness of doing what's right by myself. 

The Car Ride Home

In the truck, on the 45 minute drive home from his baseball game. as part of our conversation, Michael told me that he had some maturing to do. I just about sprayed the water I had just sipped all over the dash. 

Playing it cool, I just grinned and said, "Ya, I've noticed." He proceeded to share the changes he is working on making. It's these moments I miss the most now that he is living mostly at his dads. He chose to do so as a result of not wanting to follow a major rule in my house. No matter how much my heart hurts, I know I have to follow through. He will learn from this experience and hopefully come around someday. I knew I would be an empty nester some day but I never expected it like this.

Time

Taking the time to be intentional about my writing during this challenge has been extremely difficult. I find that I am waiting until the last hour and there's not much left in the tank at that time of the night. If I try at other times during the day, it is to "get it done". I don' t want this to be about getting it done. I would like to have time without all the noise. I guess it's up to me to make that time.

Floating Away the Aches and Pains

 

Once a week I float in a tub full of epson salt saturated water. I look forward to the next session before I finish the one I'm in. You can float for an hour with music and ambient lighting or without. I choose to float in complete silence and darkness and love floating in a starless universe.  The first time I tried it, I didn't last the whole hour. I started to feel overheated, nauseous and claustrophobic.

Today was the first time I made it. I was able to relax and meditate the entire time. When communicating with my 17 year-old son, I can get anxious and elevated when he starts to argue. He does this to avoid following through with his responsibilities and at times it will wear me down and I give up. I noticed this evening I was able to stay calm and hold him accountable in a firm but relaxed manner. I know it is because of the float. 

It changes me. I make it through the week with more patience and less anxiety. I am grateful for a natural way to stay calm in a stressful world.

Over a Year Ago

 

There is one roll of toilet paper left in the house and the roll is running low. I think the last time this happened was over a year ago. 

Over a year ago

I traveled 

I didn't wear a mask "ever"

The only safety precautions we had at school were - 

to wash our hands and sneeze in the crook of our arms

I hugged and accepted hugs from everybody

I saw my mom

We didn't have to worry about being around others -

to get them sick or to get sick

Schools functioned in a total different way

Kids weren't isolated

There was less fear in the world

Do I Want Life or Do I Want Death?

 

What a high energy day today! I haven't felt this way in a long time. I recently changed my diet by eliminating most "white" foods that have an adverse effect on my body - white rice, white bread, white pasta, white potatoes and anything with lots of white sugar. Today is day 6 and I am so proud of myself for getting this far. I just need to keep reminding myself that I want to feel good more than I want the food. I also need to make sure that I have healthy snacks on hand so that I don't use that as an excuse to make poor choices.

Almost all of my thoughts and actions are food driven. Every time I'm in the car, depending on where I am going, I start planning where I can pick up something to eat. I am not sure when it began but needs to end so I can save my health in turn saving lots of money. Every decision I make in regards to food needs to be met with "Do I want life or do I want death?" It is that serious. 

Today I choose life. I choose to feel good. I choose to love and take care of myself. At times, I see the reflection of myself right now and at moments feel uncomfortable in my clothes and say to myself, "If you don't like it, change it." I am choosing to change it. I hope tomorrow I feel the same.

Brrrrr

 

I live in a 100 year-old farm house that is not insulated and is without a centeral heating and air system.  It is pouring outside tonight and I am really cold - so cold that I am bundled in layers of clothing under a pile of blankets so heavy I can barely move. I considered starting a fire in the little pot-bellied stove in the living room but by the time I came home to when the house would actually warm up, meant that I would be up every couple of hours to keep it going. I am waving the white flag and heading off to sleep. I know I will sleep well but I hope my nose doesn't fall off. 

three for me

 

the sun shines

naps are awesome

cats are cool

dogs are fun

middle schoolers rock

work feels good

wealth is abundant

boys are living

grateful for home

truck is running

bills are paid

food in fridge

spirit is close

friends are kind

giving away weight

wisdom is awesome

bed is comfortable 

living good life

Play Ball!

 

My son found out he made the varsity baseball team today. I am so excited and as I celebrate with him he says "Stop it mom! That's embarrassing." I get it so I stop and beam quietly instead. I think I also cried a little. He has been playing baseball since he was three years old. He also plays football and excels at both but I believe baseball is his favorite. If not his, then mine for sure. The thing is, he didn't make the team last year. Out of all the guys who tried out, he was one of two cuts. 

He was blind-sided and devastated. He was shocked and embarassed. He was confused and angry. But, he never gave up. He participated in what he could and showed the varsity coach that not only can he play, he cared.  I am so proud of his perseverance and that it showed him it pays off to work for something you love.

I am so ready to dust off my chair, sit in the beautiful sunshine and watch him play.

For the Birds

 

It's been a year since I started being interested in watching birds. I don't know how I've come to be just like all the older women in my family. I am an animal lover and enjoy all kinds of creatures but there is something about birds, from majestic hawks to cute little finches and glorious hummingbirds, that I just can't resist. I've even condsidered buying a bird feeder and a birdbath. For a hot minute, I debated asking my landlord if I could purchase a hen house to raise some chickens. I am truly puzzled. What is happening to me?

Sleepy Sunday

Putting on pajamas and snuggling under the covers sounds like such an amazing idea right now. The problem is it's only 4 in the afternoon. The sky is overcast and the foliage is dancing in the wind. The house is just chilly enough to require a a pair of socks and a blanket to cover up while sitting on the couch. Everytime the kitty yawns, I yawn with him. 

I've cleaned the kitchen and bathroom as well as put away some laundry. My son is home and I am so grateful for the time together. It makes it even sweeter that he reached out and asked to come home to see me. It's been heavy on my heart while he has been solely at his dad's but I know that is what is needed at this time. Seventeen is hard. I am a mom and at his age, do not have what he needs from a dad. I am grateful he has his dad in his life. 

Night

The frogs are chirping outside my bedroom window and it sounds as if that's the noise stars would make twinkling in the sky. There are hundreds of them singing their nightsongs. I can see the moon shining through my window and it is lovely to look at while I wait to doze off to sleep. The train will sound its warning in the early morning hours and the coyotes start yipping along with it. Then my cat starts racing about the house as if possessed while some critter is lurking close to the house. I duck under the covers to avoid his claws at three in the morning.

Today

Friday

Wish I could sleep a little bit longer day

Cat mad that I am leaving day

Shower took too long day

Hair is a mess day

Outfit not the most put together day

Don't have time for Starbucks when you need it the most day

Sunny day

Windy day

Students are naughtier than ever day

Principal is out everywhere day

Teachers are tired day

Counting down the school day day

Can't wait to say good bye day

Ready to go home day

Time for a new day!

Writing and Playing Clarinet

 

As I am typing, the physical aspect of my fingers tapping the keys, moving across the keyboard is reminiscent of playing my clarinet. I have been thinking about it lately. Picking it up and playing again. I foun the familiar brown case with the tiny little crown on it in the jumble of things in the spare room, as well as the white and blue tattered folder with scores and scales that I have kept since the 7th grade. I love opening the case, selecting a reed and placing it in my mouth to moisten it while I piece together the black horn with silver keys.

I love my clarinet like I love an old friend. You know the ones that you can lose track of for months or years at a time and they are so excited to hear from you, the ones that don’t hold any grudges, the ones that don’t ask you where you’ve been, like they’ve been waiting all this time for you with nothing better to do when you know darn well they are just as busy as you. I've had a few of those friends who were just too much work and not worth maintaining. I let them go. Not my clarinet.

My clarinet is always happy when I pick it up no matter how long it has been put away. It responds to my fingers and breath in ways that are so beautiful, so satisfying. I have favorite pieces I can just play over and over again. I don’t always tongue the notes right or hold them the written length but nobody minds because nobody is there. I play for myself. Just my clarinet and I and all the mistakes I make. I can spend hours and it feels like a few minutes. 

Right now I feel the same way about my writing. Thinking the thoughts, tapping the keys, remembering old friends, memories of things lost in the bustle of living life. I get to wander and nobody cares. I can get lost and nobody is telling me that I am on the wrong road. Here's to not knowing where I am going but willing to keep on this journey!

Time to Create

 Every year, each class at our school makes a project to auction off for parents to bid on and win. Creating said project is going to be especially tricky this go around so I thought I would try out some different ones myself. I need to process through what students can and cannot do in the classroom with all the restrictions. After I met with students online, checked on their work and uploaded grades, I was ready. I drew, cut, colored, painted, and kept a list of pros and cons of the steps of each. Suffice to say, I had FUN! My hands (and shirt) stained a rainbow make me grin; I am happy. I hope the time we spend crafting a beautiful piece of art together will be full of smiles and laughter.

Wah!

GOOD GRIEF! 

Can any of my students in person and online (at the same time) hear me with this mask on?

I feel like I am Miss Othmar. "Wah, wah, wah, wah." 

I can't hear their questions three quarters of the time so how can the ones furthest away hear me?

By the time I am finished teaching four hours without a mask break, I am ready to pass out. I am light headed and a bit dizzy, as well as overheated and dehydrated. 

I've been working on accepting that I have limitations in this situation and need to make adjustments to survive but I want to teach the way I am designed. I know I need to pace myself and not get so enthusiastic in the delivery of the content so I don't need as much oxygen flow. Where's the joy in that?

Maybe I should spare the five cents and get some psychiatric help from Lucy. This afternoon I might check to see if the Dr. is in.

Snow Days

In the early morning hours, I was dreaming of a snow day. 

I was reminiscing about the unexpected snow storms that blew in late February and early March in Maine. What a treat it was to wake up, turn on the tv to see the scrolling list of school districts that were closed for the day, discovering mine was with the rest of them. I would joyfully climb back into bed to snooze until my body itched to get up. 

The days that were gray with snow falling in flakes so thick you couldn't see more than a few feet in front of you were my favorite. I would bundle up and go out to get a head start shoveling the porch and pathway, brushing the snow off the car, just to see it all accumulate once more. When my hat and gloves turned wet and heavy, I would return indoors for hot chocolate and a good book to read by the picture window. Those days were indulgent and guilt free.

As a kid, my brothers and I would spend the entire day outside. We would build snow forts, jump off the deck into the softly piled snow to see how far we would sink, snowshoe across our field to visit the animals in the barn, go inside to warm up with soup and grilled cheese and change out our woolen socks, mittens and hats for new ones to get back outside before our mom would find some chores for us to do.

I wish the joy snow days brought for me, for everyone.

They Write and They Write and They Write

I have lots to say about lots of things that I don't know if it's ok to say here. 

I am tired and it's only Sunday. How am I going to get through the week and it hasn't even started? 

Parent Conferences are coming up and I have a feeling their frustrations are going to come out during the time we have with them. They want answers I don't have. They are tired and frustrated and fearful their children are behind and will never get caught up. I don't think they believe me when I say everything will be ok. I will continue to work hard to help them advance in reading and writing, in speaking and listening, in thinking and growing. 

Our state testing, believe it or not, begins in May. Bring it on, I say! Let's show them this pandemic has not stopped us from growing. Yes, there have been many setbacks but all the students I am responsible for did not give up. They keep showing up each day, at school and online, ready to try whatever I ask of them. They write and they write and they write. And they get better. 

Meow

 

I wonder what the cat wants when he meows at me. When his dish of food is full, his water bowl has been refereshed, his litter box completely clean, he's been played with until disinterest, and I have snuggled with him before bed, he's still trying to be heard. I wish I could understand but I don't so I just start asking him questions. "What do you want?" "Are you tired?" "Ready to go to bed?" I could go on. Anyway, he responds in kind after every time I ask a different question. His meows vary in tone and volume and I have no idea what we are communicating but it seems to work for him.

He is currently cuddled up on the bed, letting me know it's time to sleep. I am sure he misses Michael who loves him dearly but he is not here for now. So Tarzan continues to follow me throughout the house - into the kitchen, the livingroom, the bathroom. Wherever I go, he is at my heels meowing about something.

You Lied

 

Dear Dealership,

I am saddened to let you know that I won't be utilizing your services any more. I have bought three vehicles from you over the years as well as had them, and others, serviced with you - oil changes, battery replacements, an air conditioning recharge, etc. The list is long. 

When my truck broke down last Friday, I didn't hesitate to have the tow truck bring it to you. When you called on Saturday asking for an authorization of $175 to diagnose the possible problem, I accepted, no questions asked. I readily agreed because of the relationship we had together. You scheduled an appointment for the truck at 7:20am on Monday and said that you would call me back with the results. I anxiously waited all day until late afternoon when I decided to call. Maybe you were so busy you forgot about me. The thing is - I am a single working mom and have only one vehicle, and it's in your possession. You reassured me you understood and are here for me.

Monday passed without a call.

I decided to be patient. I waited until my Tuesday during my lunch time to reach out and left you a message. When you called back, I was teaching and couldn't pick up. I listened to your message. You declared that you needed $675 more to continue to diagnose the engine with most likely having to replace it with a new one. 

I called you back, listened to your spiel and politely said "no thank you" and "when can I pick it up?" I could hear the surprise in your voice over the phone when you asked if I was sure. You bet I was sure, even if I had to get another tow truck to come get it and bring it home or to another garage recommended from a trusted friend. 

When I came to get it, I paid you the $175, thanked you for checking it out and left. That's it. I will never come to your establishment again.

You see, I found a garage that was honest and did their job. They actually opened the hood of the truck and inspected things with their hands. All you did was listen to it run, plug in your cable to get some codes, and charge me $175 for that when you told me otherwise. I am not going to waste my time writing about it here. Go back and read the report you gave me. And how do I know? My dirt driveway is long and dusty. Everything under the hood is covered in it. So when the mechanic opened it up to check things out, there was not one fingerprint that showed you did what you said. He took pictures to show me you lied.

Sincerely,

Your Old Customer

Spring Weather in Northern Cali

The weather is gorgeous outside. What I wouldn't give for a lawn chair and my book to read right now! The warmth of the sun and cool breeze in the air is the sweet spot I longingly await each spring and autumn. It is here today. I plan to leave my classroom earlier than usual, head home, dig out the cushions for the patio furniture, and settle in with a good book for as long as the sunlight allows. 

Sobbing in the Car

She was the first car

stopped at the red light

gripping the steering wheel

staring straight ahead

with tears streaming down her face.

I felt like I wasn't 

supposed to see her

in this vulnerable state.

She was crying 

like someone would

when they are

alone in a room.

Sobbing and heaving,

you know

that ugly cry.

I wanted 

to get out of my car

in the middle of the road

and run across 

the intersection

to ask her

"What's wrong?"

like I would want someone

to do for me

when I am sobbing

alone in my car.

Opening Up

 I am experiencing some bumps in the road right now. As I am sure you all do, I prefer the newly paved driveway that you can roller skate on without a worry in the world, to traverse life. But that is not for me right now. And to make it worse, I have what I've been told is the "cry gene". As long as others don't ask me about my life, I'm ok but for some reason when someone reaches out, I start to cry as I tell them. So I don't like to talk about things going on in my life because I don't want to get all teary-eyed in front of anybody. I also don't want to be felt sorry for and to be totally honest, appear weak and helpless.

After school, I was sitting at my desk contemplating what actions to take and a close co-worker of mine stopped by. She must have recognized the worry and weight on my shoulders because she asked if I was ok. I responded with my typical "ya, I'm ok". She didn't buy it and kept pressing. I finally relented and told her I needed to decide between paying for a tow truck to bring my truck from the dealership to a recommended garage for a second opinion or to tow it to my house and sell it for parts.

She lit up and took charge. "I have AAA and I am going to call them right now and we'll get your car to that garage."

If I chose to remain silent and not risk sharing; to be fearful that she would just feel sorry for me, I would have missed out. She felt good helping me, we had a great time visiting with each other and I have hope things will come together.

The Precipice

Well, here I am on the precipice of something great. Do I truly believe that? Not really. I feel terrified. I am afraid my words will add to the mundane in this world.

"Who will want to read what I write? Are people commenting because they want to or because they have to meet their minimum quota for the day? What if my writing reaches someone I will hurt if I dare to write my truth? What's the point anyway?" 

The internal struggle is ridiculous. I need to write like I coach my middle schoolers to write - raw and from the heart. I want them to be vulnerable and explore their thoughts and feelings on the page. I need to do the same. I want to do the same.

Am I on the precipice of something great? Of course I am. I feel excited I finally have the courage to commit to the Slice of Life Story Challenge. I love the idea of writing and here is where I can put my craft into practice. I want to grow as a writer and be better than the last time I put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard.

My attitude about this experience is up to me. I get to decide; to choose who I am writing for and I choose to write for me in the most upbeat, enthusiastic way I can muster.